TERENCE: Hannah has at all times been appalled that I favor sleeping in a area to a four-poster. The opposite day, she received the argument and swept me off for some five-star fabulousness. [HANNAH: It was vital he become better acquainted with Claridge’s, as it’s where I want my ashes scattered.] Naturally, I used this night time of obligatory luxurious to prep for my subsequent tenting journey, combing the room for reusable package. You’d assume Mayfair’s best can be the promised land in city foraging phrases, however, alas, it’s so posh it’s not. No teabags – leaves come free. No all-u-can-eat buffet breakfast – waiter service. Nevertheless, I do now retailer my meths in a Claridge’s shampoo bottle.

Our suite comes with a butler who bears my go well with bag to the primary flooring. This messes with my Marxism so I insist on carrying it again down once we go away. Betts considers this simply as properly, provided that it bears a knackered Subsequent emblem. She ought to have been extra involved in regards to the trousers inside, which I had inadvertently switched with one other visitor’s at a home occasion. I don’t know who he was, however I understand how lengthy his legs weren’t. [HANNAH: Note the element of Brian Rix farce. This anecdote will do nothing to assuage the theory that Terence is my walker rather than my beau.]

At that night time’s soirée, a bash to rejoice The Large C’s reopening simply earlier than the rule of six was imposed, I’m the one man in black tie. It’s the second time in my life that’s occurred, however the first it’s left me underdressed.

Two chaps sport berets, and each pull the look off. The closest I get to accessorising is the ribbon I’ve been pressured to deploy to maintain my trousers aloft, revealed by one of many berets to be Internet-a-Porter packaging. [HANNAH: Terence is 6ft 4in. I’ve never seen him look so bizarrely shortarsed. They were basically black-tie knickerbockers.]

I’m excited by my monogrammed bathrobe, however deem it unhealthy type to take it dwelling. HB factors out that they’ll hardly be holding it in retailer for one more TD. I counter that Claridge’s is très Timothy Dalton and nobody wants bathrobes like Tom Daley. Nevertheless, as my current one is a grotty Ikea relic, I cave.

Hannah had insisted our keep embrace ‘five-star intercourse’. I hoped this referred to making the most of a hound-free night time, not an insistence upon high quality management. [HANNAH: Both.] Because it transpires, our conflicting physique clocks imply I go the morning after watching PAW Patrol, whereas she slumbers in goose feathers and 300-thread-count Egyptian cotton.

Nonetheless, the best luxurious on supply right here is happiness. It’s somewhat fantastic to see that – when drudgery is eliminated – simply how idyllic our relationship could be. Buddies swing by for brekker and inform us we’re like a pair in a Noël Coward comedy – all witty one-liners in swish dressing robes. [HANNAH Damn it, we *are* a Coward couple; the pandemic has merely forced everyone into a kitchen-sink drama, with me as the angry young man.] We don’t want counselling, only a everlasting suite at Claridge’s.

Learn extra: 

How I learnt to not become my mother

I miss my silly, superficial, pre-lockdown life ​

— to www.telegraph.co.uk

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